If I’d written that book, it would be called Drink, Swear, Fart.

I will never get sick of reading this. Ever. We’ve all been there. Enjoy.

1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak sub and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is raving a fruity pancake from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wrecked upon your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86′d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Iced Teas and a diet coke yet you haven’t peed once. You decide the Havana Omelet you are going to leave in the bathroom is better done on another floor, so you don’t have to walk by and smell it the rest of the day.

4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject perpetual spasm, and the first of about 5 shits you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.

5 star hangover,(*****) aka “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol scented fluid with a ‘floater’ thrown in.. The sole purpose of this ‘floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the “Infinite Nutsmacker”
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile, or your vomit from 3 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you; shower and already leave for work. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights…some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” clearly on your cheek…….the stamp on the back of your hand has appeared on your face by what is known as ‘Jagermeister magic.’ You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers. Any attempt at emptying your bowels results in a gag inducing ass spray which you are positive has the ability to etch porcelain. The only thing that sounds worse than remaining on the foul stench throne is leaving before you’re finished; which could take 5 minutes or an hour and a half.

The Awl gives dead simple instructions on how to cook a f*#$ing steak.

This is steak, all you f*#$ing need is salt and pepper.

Tracy Morgan’s outtakes in Totally Awesome are, in fact, totally awesome. In an interview once I heard Alec Baldwin say something along the lines of “Tracy can say normal things but it comes out funny”. Baldwin is right and to add to that, he does a wicked Tracy Morgan impersonation.

Can’t a guy just wear nice clothes cause he likes to look nice?

“If I wear anything at all besides jeans, people are like, ‘Where you going? Got a big night out?’” Brennan said. “Or they say, ‘Ooh, look who’s all dressed up. You have some kind of job interview or something?’ I mean, Christ, come on. It’s just a shirt with buttons.”

THE GUIDE TO BEING SO CHOICE aka How Sloane Peterson from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Taught me how to be an Awesome Girlfriend.